life lately.

I know it's been almost 2 months since I've been on here and for that I apologize. Had a lot of stuff going on and still do.

For starters I finally got my medical billing and coding course online done :)) jus have to print out all my stuff and send it in. But of course I don't have a working printer at my house at the moment so unfortunately that's postponed.

Second, I found a job!!! A CNA job at that. I start Monday so I'll let you know how it goes. I must say I feel ashamed with myself because I almost gave up hope. But I am living proof that hard work pays off. No matter what, you can reach your goals and dreams. You jus gotta work for them sometimes. It's worth it, I promise :))

Third, my sister found out the results of her GED test! So hopefully I get a letter Monday when I get home from work. I have faith in her though. I'm going to see her at the end of the month and I can't hardly wait. Impatience has always been a flaw for me lol.

Candon is a mess. Getting into everything and hard for momma to keep up wit at times but I love him more and more everyday.

Me and Jon are doing great :)) that boy has my heart in ways that no one ever will. We started playing the lottery so I'm hoping any day now that we win so we can get married tomorrow ;)) lol that's the only way I could possibly be any happier. I hate waiting!!

That's pretty much it for now. I'll keep you updated on things.

--peace out, girl scout--

30 Day Challenge: Day 13

Day 13: Picture of your favorite band or artist

Lil Wayne. He is my number ONE favorite artist ever. His flow is amazing, and it's all from his head. His music has gotten me through soo much in my life. He is the greatest at what he does :))

Nicki Minaj is definitely a close second. She is a "bad bitch" lol. And she is so down to earth. She always takes care of her family and the people that mean something to her. She doesn't forget what it's like to struggle and she always comes out on top. Not to mention she is gorgeous!

Drake is my last favorite. Never when I saw him playing Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi would I have imagined the words he could put out, the music he had in him. I never would have thought he could be this great. He puts all his songs into a dummy blackberry lol. He is also very talented.

What can I say? It's gotta be Young Money!! :))

30 Day Challenge: Day 12

Day 12: Picture of something I love

Faith. Faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing. The only thing I have to hold onto sometimes is faith. Faith that everything happens for a reason. Faith that everything will work out for me and my family. Faith that I will reach my goals. Faith, so I don't have to worry. When I was pregnant with my son I went to a Pentecostal church with my best friend chrissy. I was so depressed because I felt like I had nothing and no one. I had friends but I jus felt like I didn't have anyone I don't know why. That was my first time going to a pentecostal church. And if you don't know what it's like DO NOT judge them. They don't scream and shout like all people think. But they do talk in tongues. This is the first time I have heard it. And another lady there translated for me. A person of this religion talks in tongues when the holy spirit possesses her. The message I got that day was SO powerful. It was something like this: Have no fear, I am watching over you. You need to have faith. Your day will come for extreme happiness. I know you are sad and scared but there's no need. It will be okay, I promise. And some other things I can't remember right now. I was so extremely moved though, I jus knew that was meant at me. I could feel something of a higher power wash over me and I was calm and happy. I got saved that day. And it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm hoping once Candon gets a lil older I can start going back to church.

Other things I love:

• my family
• friends
• cream soda
• sunshine
• lake
• big sunglasses
• shoes

30 Day Challenge: Day 11

Day 11: Picture of something you hate

I have several things I hate.

Donald Chaz Smith is what I hate the most. Because he is everything I hate. I hate abusers. He beat me. I hate cheaters. He cheated the whole time we were together. And I hate people that use others and don't care who they hurt. I wasted 3 years of my life off and on with him. And it got me no where but crying all the time and going crazy because I was always worried what he was doing. That is NO way to be in a relationship. I am a strong and beautiful person and I deserve the absolute best. Honestly, I have no clue what I was thinking putting up with his bs that long. I should have known the first time he hit me. I should have known the first time I caught him making out with my best friend. But "love" is blind. I do appreciate only one thing he gave me, Candon Jay Patrick. I believe with all my heart that putting up with everything I had to go through was worth it. Because I wouldn't have a reason to live if I didn't have my son.  But I'm so glad Chaz is finally out of my life and I never want to see him again.

Other things I really hate:

• racism
• gay hatred
• liars
• spiders
• needles
• heights
• clowns

30 Day Challenge: Day 10

Day 10: A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

Christopher Dewayne Barker. He has been my best friend for only 4 years but it feels like we have been best friends our whole life. He is gay and I have gotten into fights with people making fun of him jus like he has always had my back. We are both so much alike there is never a dull moment. I was in the worst relationship of my life off and on for 2 and a half years with Candon's "sperm donor" and chrissy saved me. He listened to me cry everytime I got my heart broke and even though he kept telling me I deserved better and was getting tired of me hurting, he was always there day or night. I have been through alot with my family and now with alex in jail for a year's time. Some days I jus want to give up but whenever I feel like that all I have to do is call chrissy and he will drop what he's doing to cheer me up. That's what best friends are for, when they have your back when it feels like the whole world is against you. Even though we have our own lives trying to make a real future for ourselves chrissy will always be my number one in my heart. And I know that he will always be there to pick me back up when I fall, no matter the distance. I love you bestie :)

--peace out, girl scout--

30 Day Challenge: Day 9

Day 9: A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with

This one is definitely to my sister ha. We have had our fights when i was pregnant where we were punching each other and screaming at each other. And we have partied together, in her case it was a little too severe. But apart from it all I have had the most fun of my life with my sister. When it was US against the WORLD :) those are definitely my better memories. I ain't gunna lie I used to smoke weed, drink, and take pills on a regular basis. It was a small ass town and I guess that's what I decided was best to pass the time. I don't ever regret anything that we have done. Honestly, I'm shocked after all the shit we have done together that I'm not locked up with her ha. But I wouldn't do any good to anyone in there. These kinds of memories will be in the past. Hopefully we can still act crazy together when she gets out without being illegal about it! haha.

--peace out, girl scout--

30 Day Challenge: Day 8

Day 8: A photo that makes you laugh



This is my son candon and devon's boob earmuffs. thinking back to this makes me laugh everytime! :) ha he liked em, im not surprised. hes already such a guy.

--peace out, girl scout--

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

30 Day Challlenge: Day 7

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item

This is my memory bear. It is VERY special to me. June 11, 2005 that John Puskas was taken from this world. He was my Gramps and best friend. He had prostate cancer and there was nothing that the doctors could do. I miss him all the time. My Nana had this bear made for me when she lived in Bentonville, Arkansas by this elderly woman. The bear is made out of one of my Gramps' favorite golf shirts. Idk if you can see but it has golf tees on it. And a golf hat and a golf tee in his hand. My Gramps' love was golf. I love this item because it's almost like he is still around. He's my guardian angel through my memory bear :) it's the only excuse I have for being 20 years old and still sleeping with a teddy bear lol.

I wrote this for him when I was coping:

You were so full of life
Always smiling and carefree
Life loved you being a part of it
And I loved you being a part of me
You could make anyone laugh
If they were having a bad day
No matter how sad I was
You could take the hurt away
Nothing could ever stop you
Or even make you fall
You were ready to take on the world
Ready to do it all
But God decided he needed you
So from this world you left
But you took a piece of all of us
Our hearts are what you kept
Your seat is now empty
And its hard not to see your face
But please always know this
No one will ever take your place
You left without a warning
Not even saying goodbye
And I can't seem to stop
Asking the question why
Nothing will ever be the same
The halls are empty without your laughter
But I know you're up in heaven
Watching over us and looking after
I didn't see this coming
It hit me by surprise
And when you left this world
 A small part of us died
Your smile could brighten anyone's day
No matter what they were going through
And I know everyday for the rest of my life
I will be missing you..

This is him on a shirt that my Nana got made for me :)


I wish I could have had more time with him. I remember waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning with him. I was the only one that would wake up to watch Nascar together lol. I'm glad he introduced me to it, I LOVE Nascar! I want so much to be able to say my last words to him. But I can wait till it's my time to join him. See u at the gates gramps, I love you!


--peace out, girl scout--

30 Day Challenge: Day 6

Day 6: A picture of someone you'd love to trade lives with for a day

Megan Denise Fox.
Not only is she the luckiest girl alive for being so gorgeous and have the body I always wanted but she is also married to Brian Austin Green. For those of you who do not know who that is he played the very sexy David Silver on Beverly Hills, 90210. She is a badass in all the movies she plays. And she jus has this air about her in films and anything public that makes her stand out and this confidence about everything she does that I wish I had. What's not to love? She is amazing inside and out, and I don't even know her personally. Jus think how many people she has made an impact on their lives like that. When I die, that's the kind of impact I want. Shit my whole life, that's the kind of impact I want on people's lives. I want them to be like you see that girl? She is WOW. I want to be undescribable and people to realize that I am indeed going places with my life :)

--peace out, girl scout--

Candon walking!!

My almost 11 month old son is finally walking alllll over my house :) Today is a great day for me. He's growing up sooo fast though! lol. I love him so much, jus thought I'd share with you.

--peace out, girl scout--

30 Day Challenge: Day 5

Day 5: A photo of your favorite memory

This one is a piece of a cake. The BEST day of my life was when I gave birth to my son Candon Jay. I will remember it like it happened seconds ago for forever lol. It was March 3rd, 2010. My boyfriend Jonathan David McTigrit had just moved down the day before to come live with me and my son. It's almost like Candon waited for him to be there to come out ha. Because sure enough at about 5:30 I started having contractions.I jus laid in bed watching my phone and counting them. I had already had like 5 false alarms so I wasn't about to wake everyone up at my friend's house to be bummed that the lil shit was still going to wait lol. Contractions are the worst feeling in the world, I just had a feeling that this was the real thing because it was so much more severe than all the past times. I finally counted 5 contractions all within 6 minutes apart from each other and seeing how it was only about 6:00ish by then I called my doctor. He told me that if I could wait to go to his office at 8:00 but if I couldn't wait to go to the E.R. I told myself I could wait. I sat on the edge of the bed counting the contractions making sure they weren't too close. Finally around 7:30 I woke up my best friend Charise and told her I really think Candon is coming today :) she was excited and told me to text her and they would make it up there. Next was to wake up my boyfriend which is a task all on its own because he is such a heavy sleeper! He jumped up though when I told him it was time. And we got in the car and it was on the way to the hospital for us. Luckily, the hospital was only 10 minutes from my friend's house. I tried to wait patiently outside the door to my doctor's office while they unlocked it. They laid me down in the first room and put the monitor around my belly. It's hard to describe if you haven't ever seen one. But it measures your contractions. And they wanted to monitor me and make sure that I was going into labor before they did anything. So now we waited for about a half hour. Then the nurse came in and said how would you like to have a baby today? I was SOOO excited. It was finally time. The very first person I called was my Nana. Then I called my dad. Then I called Charise and told her to tell all my friends. My doctor then wanted me to go to the Delivery Room which was allll the way on the other side of the hospital. By this time I was having strong ass contractions every 4 minutes. And they wanted me to walk there, I was like wtf? lol. But I walked there hand in hand with my boyfriend :) They got me all hooked up there. And I asked when I could get my epidural. And to think I had really considered about going natural, hell no! That's the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I believe I can bear any pain, since I could bear child birth for so long. My doctor came in and since my water didn't break he had to break it. It was funny because my boyfriend was in the chair at my feet and my doctor goes "Uhhh, you might want to move from right there unless you want to see this." lol. My boyfriend got up quick and went to the windowsill seat. He broke my water and I had to sit in it for like 10 minutes. I kept asking them if I could take a shower lol. I felt sooo nasty. Then Alex came in I was so happy to see her. I asked if she could go get dad for me because I wanted to see him too and Tony was too young to come in. Dad came in and said to hurry up lol. Then my nurse came in and told me I could have 3 people in the room when I gave birth to Candon. I wanted the girls in there but I didn't want to upset my boyfriend, but it's almost like he knew what I wanted because he said I can wait till he comes out, I'll go with your dad in the waiting room. So I got to have my sister, Charise, and Amberlie in the room with me. Then thank god it was time to get my epidural. The girls had to leave, because no one is allowed in the room other than the guy doing it and my nurse. I was having full blown contractions by then, and I told my nurse that I couldn't get up. She helped me get up and told me if I didn't do this now that I would lose my chance and have to do it natural. She said I could pinch her and whatever but I was getting up to get this. She taught me how to breathe and it helped. She was amazing. Idk what I would have done without her. Her name was Anna. I got my epidural and it hurt but I didn't move at all. And within ten minutes I felt like I was floating. All i felt was pressure down there. And when my girls came back in I told them I think he's about to pop out. Then Anna came in and said okay we are going to do a test run. She put my legs in these stirrups where you lay your whole leg in them. Then she said on the count of three push. I counted to three with everyone and tried pushing but couldn't feel nothing down there. And my girls started laughing and when you are around friends you know what it's like you can't help but laugh. Especially when I'm around my sister and I couldn't stop laughing. Then my friend Amberlie goes omg I see hair! And Anna told me I had to quit laughing so I didn't pop my baby out without a doctor. We waited for like 5 minutes. My doctor came in I pushed like two big pushes and out came my son. Alex cut the umbilical cord and held my hand. Amberlie and Charise were each at my side. Candon was screaming and then they gave him to me and instantly he was quiet. He looked so content. That was the happiest moment of my life, seeing my son for the first time. I'm almost tearing up thinking about it and how happy I was that I finally had him. lol. After only 6 hours in all he was born March 3, 2010 at 11:34 a.m. weighing 6 pounds 13 ounces and 20 inches long. Then all the pictures were taken. I look like shit in this one. But this is when Jonathan first came in and saw him. Jonathan isn't Candon's real dad but he is his dad. He has been there since I was 6 months pregnant. And he loves my son as much as I do. He's exactly what I had been looking for when I wasn't even looking. I prayed when I first found out that I was pregnant. That if I gave up my lifestyle if I could be sent to someone that would take care of me and my son and love us. And I was patient, and got blessed with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

This is the outfit I brought Candon home in, and yes I still kept it :)

This is when Tony and Candon first met, Tony loved him instantly :)

And that's it, being a mother is the most amazing feeling in the world, I would NEVER give it up for anything.

--peace out, girl scout--